Erica’s website is at http://www.pathwaytothesoul.com

On the surface, Communication seems very simple. It’s a vital part of our daily existence and we’ve all being doing it since the day we were born. However, communication is far from simple. In every communication that you have, there is a complex set of dynamics taking place between you and the person or people you are communicating with and these dynamics have a major affect on the results or outcome of your communication. Understanding the dynamics can help you to improve your communication skills, ultimately leading to you getting more of what you want in life and getting less stressed or frustrated in the process.

In this article I am going to outline some of these dynamics and to give you 5 ways that you can drastically improve your communications skills.

1. Who is Communicating - You or Your Mask?

We all have masks we put on for other people in an effort to get them to like or accept us. Our masks hide our insecurities, our fears and the bits of us that we feel are not acceptable to others and they show instead a false image which is built on the way we feel we should be. So we may have an ‘I’m perfectly ok’ mask on even though we are really nervous and stressed out on the inside. We may have an ‘I’m a really nice person’ mask on even though inside we hate the person we are talking to and don’t feel at all nice. We may have our ‘I am better than you’ mask on while on the inside we secretly fear we are not good enough at all.

We each have many different masks and may be quiet unconscious of some of them. We automatically switch from one to the other depending on our interpretation of the situation we are in. We hold the erroneous belief that our masks help us to get on better with people and to get what we want in life. However, this is simply not true. Your mask ends up being something you have to live up to and which you never feel fully comfortable in. It hides the real you, which if you could only believe it, is actually way better than any mask you could invent (yes even with all those terrible faults, fears and insecurities that you have!). It sets you up to feel like an imposter, which creates stress in your life and ultimately gets picked up on by other people.

So why not try dropping the mask and risk being the genuine article. You’ll be surprised at the results you will get and at the peace of mind it brings.

2. Another Persons Reaction is never about you!

Ok it took me a while to really see and embrace this next one in life but believe me it’s true. Any time another person has an emotional or physical reaction to you, it is not personal. It isn’t about you. It is always about them. Similarly any reaction you have to another person is not about them. It’s about YOU, your fears, your frustrations and your insecurities.

Don’t take another person’s reaction or anger personally, even if they lash out at you in what seems like a personal manner. Another person’s response or mood is more likely about fear or frustration than it is about you as an individual.

This doesn’t take away from the fact that you may have responsibility in the situation also. For example if you have just stood on another persons toe and they have got really angry. Their anger is not your fault or your responsibility. Their anger is their choice and is most likely a habitual response they have to situations that threatens them. It’s not about you. However, equally you are the one who did the toe stomping so - accident or not - you have responsibility (shared or solely) for this and it is up to you to choose how you feel it is appropriate to respond to this situation.

So if someone is lashing out at you, take a deep breath and count to 10. See it as a way of letting the other person vent before they are able to communicate what’s really on their mind. Also it gives you a few seconds to weigh up what your responsibility (if any) is in the situation and how you want to respond.

3. Response or Reaction - It’s Your Choice!

As humans we spend a lot of our time in reaction to the people around us. The level of reaction can be fairly negligible to right off the Richter scale. Reaction is a programmed response - we are re-acting to the present based on our past experience. We are not seeing the present situation for what it really is. When we are reacting we are making all sorts of conscious and unconscious assumptions and presumptions, many of which are untrue. We are acting from our feelings only.

In contrast, when we respond to a situation we are taking in to consideration the facts and our feelings. We are more likely to be seeing the situation for what it really is and less likely to be basing our actions on assumptions and presumptions.

When you have a negative reaction during a communication, you are likely to trigger the person you are communicating with to react back, which triggers you to react further etc, etc, etc…. the cycle continues in an endless spiral in a negative direction unless one of the people in the communication chooses to change from a reaction to a response.

The easiest way to recognize when you are reacting rather than responding is when you feel a strong impulsive emotion - the type of emotion that takes you over and consumes you. When you notice this happening, take a few moments to evaluate the situation and to ask yourself these questions. What am I feeling and what are the facts of the situation? Do I know the full facts or am I making any assumptions or presumptions? Is my reaction in proportion to the facts? Based on a combination of the facts and my feelings how do I choose to respond now?

4. Each Person Perceives the World Differently

We tend to assume that other people experience the world in the same way as we do but this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Everybody filters their perception of the world through their own unique set of beliefs, past experiences, judgments and assumptions and these will affect what they hear, see and feel in any situation. Due to this, what someone says and what we hear, or vice versa, can be amazingly different.

It can be frustrating when people do not seem to understand us, feel the same way as we do or when they act in a way that we don’t agree with. At times like this, it will help to remember that their perception of the situation could be very different from yours and that you are both looking at the same situation but from a different viewpoint. Each person’s viewpoint is colored by their own personal filters, judgments, assumptions and beliefs.

Take some time to try to understand how the other person views the situation and to help them understand your viewpoint. By doing this you are more likely to find the place where you can both appreciate each others position and reach a common ground.

5. Communicating your Needs and Wants is Your Responsibility

A lot of irritation and dissatisfaction in relationships stems from people not clearly expressing their needs and wants to other people. This applies to both personal and business relationships. Very often people assume the other person should know how they feel and what they want. Sometimes it’s used as a test for the relationship ‘if the other person doesn’t know what I want then it can’t be a very good relationship’. At some level we still act as if we were babies where without saying a word the people around us knew what we wanted and took responsibility for ensuring we got what we needed.

Life’s a little different when we are older. As an adult, it is your responsibility to communicate your needs and to make sure they are met. Putting the expectation on someone else to know what you need and to get it for you will eventually lead to problems. It is true to say that in strong relationships people can be very good at anticipating and understanding each others needs without a lot of direct communication on the subject, the problem arises when an expectation builds around this and it is seen as a failure if the other person doesn’t meet it.

So make your life easier by choosing to take full responsibility for communicating your own needs. If the other person happens to recognize your need before you communicate it - then brilliant, it will feel like an added bonus but equally if their mind reading abilities aren’t at their sharpest you won’t feel put out about it. Best of all everybody, including you is clear about what you want. Sounds like a win-win all round.

Happy Communicating!
Regards,
Erica

© Pathway to the Soul 2007

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